Retrospection

Psychologists say an average crush won’t sustain for more than 4 months. And it’s been two years I’m hopelessly on a ‘crush’ over her. Another study say that it take men 8.2 seconds to fall in love, while women need 14 days for the same. I kept true to my manly trait, but she already took 700 days off the calendars and she is still counting. It’s ironic when crush could also mean ‘to press or squeeze something so hard that it breaks or loses its shape’. This Facebook app thinks I’m good at logical thinking. And here, I can figure no logic, no reasons to be helplessly intimidated by her.

Looking back, I was this excited kid after the fresher year, eager to meet the new fresher batch, and I see this girl, I did the feasibility studies, she ticked all columns for me. She was pretty and nice, from my state, and of my culture. So I simply decided she will be the one for me. I must have been carried away by all those romantic movies. My excitement was too loud that my jobless friends found entertainment in me, and they messed things up beautifully for me, forcing her to write me love letter, and to blow up balloons for my birthday and to call me to wish me a speedy recovery when I was sick and bedridden at home. That’s when I realised I had exhausted all my courage and damaged the stability of my mind, that I couldn’t face her anymore. Instead I vainly stalked her Facebook profile hopelessly to find something interesting than the flowers and skies in her cover pic album. I envied the guys who could talk to her and not go all numb. I got high when my friends reported she mentioned my name among her favourite seniors, and went depressed when I was soon dropped out of the list. She must have smelled trouble, she had her friend to hint me that she wasn’t interested in whatever I was up to.

Maturity hits me in sine waves. I would be a total retard someday, and next day I would be embarrassed looking back at my dumbness. In one of those waves, I had a retrospection and I told myself my crush was ridiculous. She is smart and I am this socially dumb guy. She is a topper and I barely survive semesters. She is a godly woman and I am a skeptic. But you see, opposite energies attract, pure physics. I reminded myself that it’s too much trouble convincing families, that there is too much responsibilities on me that I needed to focus on. And then I see her in the corridor, grinning wide, her thin lips giving away to reveal her gums, and I get a heart ache. Two walls apart, she grows prettier every day and I ask myself why would I want to miss this beauty in my life. And then she haunted me in my dream. And next morning, I was back to the retard I was. She disturbed my dreams half a dozen more times since then.

I foolishly get excited for the times I had caught her stealing stares at me, while passing her, or for the smirk on her friends’ face when I am around. I was floating over clouds when I came to know about this senior guy who had proposed her, and she didn't just turn him down, but stopped talking to him at all. She was no player, but mine! She forces this smile on her face every time I confront her, and I wish I could read her mind. She dresses more beautiful every day and I feel like I am a bee being drawn to a flower’s beauty. (Talking about the flower and bee, Binil and I had a discussion that when a flower attracts a bee with its beauty, isn’t the flower actually cheating on the male plant? Nature itself is crooked by its ways!) I childishly wish that she is showing me signs, but I am too scared to make a move. (Background Music: Dil to bachcha hai ji) Just her presence around makes me content, and when she leaves, there is this frustration inside, at my helplessness.

But Paulo Coelho says “When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream.” And here I am mad at universe for not visibly conspiring to help me from the hopeless position I am in.